There is no try…


The more observant of you will notice that posts on this blog have been less than prolific as of late. The medical term for this is apparently ‘blog impotence‘.

According to Wikipedia:

The inability to get a ‘blog-on’ can be both humiliating and frustrating and can lead to awkward social media encounters, such as ‘liking’ your school friends meal choices and even Snapchatting with your nieces…

I have been unable to get on top of a good hearty ‘weblog’ in well over a year and to be honest my last sporadic blogular ejaculations have been somewhat disappointing. Leaving me feeling slightly soiled and unappreciated…

So here I am with the wise words of Yoda in my mind – wrapping my dainty man-hands round the reins of a shamefully dusty keyboard to see if I can get back on that Papersurfer horse and ride off into the literary sunset with the cool, spring air whipping through my gracefully thinning hair. To see if I can justify the paultry $9.99 I pay in hosting fees every year and to see if I can untangle my metaphors before I get humped to death by the animal rights police…

This post was going to be about surfing. Which after far too long I have also returned to, with decreasingly painful results. Let’s hope the same can be said about my writing skills…

I didn’t surf today. But I did tune my snowboard ready for ‘Les Pyrenees’…


half time

Having spent several years floating around in the blogiverse one thing I can say is that if you haven’t got anything interesting to say then don’t say anything.

(I didn’t surf today)

How many dead blogs does it take?

How many dead blogs will it take to kill us all?

I watched a documentary the other night about the state of the blogiverse.

There are, apparently, 1.2 billion blogs out there of which 95% are ‘dead’ (ie no activity for 3 or more months). This doesn’t even take into account the non-English speaking blogs – there are also over 73 million Chinese bloggers just for starters…

So if the average blog uses up half a GB of disc space and there are 1,073,741,824 bytes in a gig (assuming the use of gigibyte being 1024 to the power of 3 and not gigabyte being 1000 cubed) and there are 95 x 100/1,200,000,000 dead blogs (English speaking only) that means that there are 1,073,741,824 x 95 x 100/2 x 1,200,000,000 bytes of forgotten information in dead blogs. Also take into account the billions of archived posts in active blogs, unread undiscarded emails, undeleted spam, really rubbish porn that nobody watches and the contents of Then that means that there is exactly and definitively quite a lot of wasted space out there.

People think that this is okay – digital information has no physical presence and can therefore do no harm to this beautiful planet of ours. But those brazillions of bytes are all taking up valuable disk space that is manufactured by tiny hands in hot countries and powered by electricity produced by ripping gaping holes through the ozone layer.

So in conclusion – to save Mother Earth and all of humanity:

  1. You must delete all your spam.
  2. If you have a ‘sad’ porn site that nobody visits – take it down.
  3. And, most importantly if your blog is full of rubbish that nobody reads – delete the lot. Right now. You know who you are…

I didn’t surf today. Meh.

This post can also be found at Fuelmyblog.

Before the time of blog…

prehistoric sunrise

…there was silence in the ether.

It was good.

A light blinked in the dead of night and the worldwideweb became a squirming mass of html tables and font tags brimming with vital information, allegedly instantaneous communication and vast amounts of exasperation. People spent their time filling databases with facts and figures, sharing beige tinted documents and badly drawn diagrams.

Then came the blog – a beautiful world of cascading style sheets, a living framework to enhance and transport the creative word to the people of planet Earth…

Bloggers were instinctive, individual, almost radical. They thought, they mused and they pondered – brightening the lives of others.

From nowhere sprung Facebook and Twitter. Youtube and Icanhascheezeburger. Mindless distractions sucking the life force from the previously agile minds of the people. The mediocrity virus was spawned and within moments the internet was overflowing with warm, squirty cheese…

I don’t care what you had for breakfast and your cat isn’t funny.

Don’t press publish. Don’t hit the ‘quick post’ button. Don’t Tweet me or Facebook my Mum. Please.

I didn’t surf today. In case you got this far down the page…

Twitter notification tweet sound

jay in fig tree

Having recently lost my Twitter virginity I was slightly confused by the utter pointlessness of knowing what a gazillion people that I don’t know were having for breakfast. That, coupled with the general clunkiness of the whole Twitter experience (having to refresh to get updates being the main issue) nearly led to my Twittery demise.

However, I have since discovered Twitterfox, which is a Firefox plugin (you still use Internet Explorer? Shame on you internet dinosaur person…) that neatly puts Twitter into a tiny pop-up window in the corner of your browser. It updates automatically and allows you to have a notification sound file. I have a nice tweety bird singing like it was a fresh day in spring when a friend adds a Tweet (which it is coincidentally – so that’s all panned out beautifully).

If you want to use the same tweety bird singing then right click on the link below and save to your ‘my sounds’ folder.

tweety bird sound file

I have a plethera of short, non-offensive sound files. If anybody wants me to post them  just let me know.

I didn’t surf today. Going next week I think. Yay…

Fake Dalai Lama scams Twitterers…

…it’s good to know that the spiritual leaders of the world are keeping in touch with the common man. Not only does tha Dalai Lama have his own homepage but he also has a devious doppleganger Tweeting like the wind on his behalf – spreading dubiously derived wise words and fake love across the globe. Aparrently the nefarious wannabe had over 16,000 followers before the Twitter authorities saw through his evil plan.

This recent scandal in the microblogging world that is Twitter just adds to my vague scepticism even though I do dabble occasionally myself. If however, your ambition is to fill all the tiny spaces of the internet with completely useless information and inane wafflings then this will of course be most beneficial to your quest.

If you want to listen to more pap and nonsense then check out the following Twitterers…

Stephen Fry (very funny)

Tango (grrr) (exceedingly hot)

Daddy Papersurfer (prolificly idiotic)

Papersurfer (very handsome, witty and charming – allegedly)

God (omnipotent entity that created the universe – also allegedly)

I didn’t surf today. So stop asking.

The Penfold seven…

…I’m slightly allergic to being tagged here at Papersurfer central. I come out in a memey coloured tag-train rash that screams ‘link to me link to me’. However – when the loverly Tango (grrr) tags me who am I to refuse her delightful request to divulge 7 things you wouldn’t care to know about Penfold…

  1. I hid my first tattoo from my mum for 2 years (after hearing her say ‘okay I can handle an earing but if you ever get a tattoo you’re out of here!’)
  2. I have a solitary hair that grows straight out of the top of my right ear (I pluck it).
  3. I love musicals. Nearly all of them. Anyone got a problem with that….?
  4. When I am turned into a streaming mucous factory by the curse that is hayfever I wander around the house with half a bogroll stuffed up my nostrils. Not pretty but keeps my carbon footprint down.
  5. I used to be a huge Rocky Horror fan and have wandered the streets of London and New york in a tailcoat and fishnets.
  6. Sometimes when I’m all alone I throw some well fierce 80’s tracks on the stereo and I do rubbish body-popping and robotics just like it was a school disco in 1986. Nice…
  7. I watch ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ every week. If I miss it – I youtube it (the UK version of Dancing with the Stars).

Normally at this point I’d tag the 7 newest blogs on FMB or somebody that really hates memes 7 times. Today I shall tag really famous bloggers – you just never know, they may still check their incoming links…

  1. Seth Godin
  2. Dooce
  3. Stephen Fry
  4. Wife in the North
  5. Petite Anglaise
  6. Girl with a one track mind
  7. Daddypapersurfer

I didn’t surf today.

The World Blog Council…


…somebody in that office actually took the time to send me this rejected certificate (probably that dried up old haddock Ms Tutt – the female equivalent of a git if I ever I met one).

Everywhere I go that pompous wazzock (who thinks he’s a real Colonel) has been there before, spreading his outdated principals and antiquated drivel. Oh and don’t get me started on Frau Von Sauertraut stomping around the Blogosphere like a Gestapo agent – reciting mandate and dictating procedure (although I do find her strangely attractive… interesting).

Sod ’em I say. This is the *BLT right here – if anyone wants to rise up in rebellion against these totalitarian dinosaurs then join hands with me brothers and sisters. Let’s fight the system. This is a revolution!

Well it would be if I could be bothered. I’m going back to bed. Nite x.

I didn’t surf today. I was too busy burning my man-bra.

*Blogworld Liberation Tigers