Dear Mum…

Dear Mum,
– today I did something really bad.
I couldn’t find my work boots so I used your wellies to do some concreting.
To save you the time and energy I am just about to go and lock myself in my room. I’ve also taken the liberty of borrowing one of your slippers to spank myself with when I haven’t apologised appropriately by teatime.


  1. Shock, horror. You can forget about tea my lad, go straight to bed without it. PS I hope you cleaned them properly afterwards. DON’T DO IT AGAIN. x

  2. Now, think this through very carefully. What size are the feet that belong to the terrible Goddess?
    What size are the feet that belong to the alpha male [me]? Whilst wearing said wellies were you able to walk?
    Now do some addition.
    They were my bloody wellies – my favourite wellies – the only wellies that I really care for – more than anything.

    I don’t mind though.

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