I f**king hate pikeys


Living in the foothills of the Serra de Estrella in central Portugal is supposed to be an idyllic existence – stunning picture postcard scenery, perfect weather all enhanced by friendly and convivial neighbours. Aging donkeys retiring peacefully by the river, toothless old crones carrying bags of washing on their heads. Just the sound of birds in the trees, the river bubbling through the granite rocks and an old peasant man hacking up some phlegm on his way to market.

What I’ve experienced over the last 20 years certainly has included all of these elements but there are many other bitter tasting ingredients to spoil the taste of this delicious metaphor pie. I won’t get started on the hideous mouldy concrete building developments marring the countryside or the fact that it pisses down with rain for half of the year. I’ll stick to the continual theft of my belongings I’ve suffered whilst living here.

The most recent happened a few days ago whilst we were slumbering beneath a full and shining moon. Some thieving Gypsy bastards relieved my truck of a pair of brand new batteries. A relatively small haul but added to the several thousand euros worth of property that has already been stolen from me it begins to smart a tad. So the security upgrade will continue – more fences and gates. Cameras and alarms. It all just takes the shine away from this supposedly lustrous life.

I discussed the issue with my exceedingly wise mother:

“…maybe you could attach live electricity wires to the truck?”

“…a good idea Ma. But it would be terribly inconvenient to find a smouldering pikey stuck to it in the morning…”

Maybe we’ll just move to Hackney instead.

I didn’t surf today.


  1. How do you know it’s gypsies? ….. I’d look in the hippy direction …. the bad hippies obviously, not the nice ‘let’s all dance around naked’ type …..

    BTW, this explains very nicely why I’m terrified of your mother ……

    Another BTW – bloody shame …… oh well …..

      1. I was going to do a ‘Pikey Airlines’ doodle but a swift google revealed that somebody had beaten me to it so I decided to go for the next best thing…

  2. I was thinking more along the lines of a cattle fence actually, but if you’d rather hook it up to the Natonal Grid, well … Ok.

    Wot about a car alarm, possibly?

  3. F#ckin pikeys. They turn up living in trucks, dodgy tatoos, suspect facial hair and….get this, the blokes have ear rings. As a wise man once said (i believe it was me) Only poofs and pirates wear ear rings, and I see no ships on the horizon.

    1. I love you Bradley. Next time you think you can handle some man-waves call me and we’ll go surfing…

  4. Saw you like surfing. Take a look at a brazilian surf movie called Surf Adventures 2 – A Busca Continua. This one is the sequence for Surf Adventures.

  5. the feeling is mutual, sadly have lost your number. Was thinking of heading over for a man trip at end of season. Only if you stop inventing words like portugally and portugaliness. You gimbering fantbanny.

    ps send me you number fool.

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