Two bees or not two bees…

Einstein (obviously a genius in and out of the surf) was allegedly heard muttering a somewhat sweeping statement about the state of the universe during an all night drinking binge in a Yates wine lodge in Preston high street. His mouth was slightly tainted with extra hot chillies from a rather tired looking doner kebab that was dribbling down his chin onto his previously starchy white lab coat – so take this with a pinch of salt…

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”

It has recently been said that – on the subject of mobile phones killing entire colonies of bees (probably by a descendant of Einstein caught in a toilet cubicle in a westend night spot with a suspiciously thin model – both seemingly suffering from hayfever…)

“Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious ‘colony collapse’ of bees”

– meaning that any moment now we shall all die.

Don’t Panic!

We have taken this on board and conducted our own experiment to disprove this theory. At work we came across a large rather busy nest of the afore mentioned pollen gathering buzzy beasts. The nest needed to be moved but rather than destroy it and kill hundreds of otherwise harmless pollinating friends my chief biologist (AD) installed a mobile phone next to the colony for a scientifically designated perod of time (until the battery ran out).

The next day the bees were nowhere to be seen. Upon closer inspection of their tiny empire they were found to be still at home but in a state of catatonia – now, this may have been a complete coincidence and been due to the weather or a stage in their activity cycle. I personally feel that the microwaves sent their tiny heads into a state of euphoric torpor resulting in a certain amount of lethargy and a tendency towards social paranoia –

Bee one – are you gonna go outside today man?

Bee two – are you kidding dude, have you seen how big it is out there? And how high up we are? Nah…

Bee one – go on man I need some fresh pollen…

Bee two – yeah but I heard…

Bee one – wassup man? What did you hear…?

Bee two – I heard that it’s been scientifically proven that we can’t even fly!

Bee one – shit man, you’re freakin’ kidding! Well there’s no way I’m going out then…

I didn’t surf today. Look at the surf convoy

Stop your ferreting…

mini papersurfer

I’ve put all my recent widgets onto one page with a link in the main menu. Just so’s you don’t have to go ferreting around looking for them! Of course if ferreting around in my archive is what keeps your plimsole line above sea level then please ferret away – I don’t mind.

In fact I thoroughly recommend it…

You could start here and work your way up.

I didn’t surf today.

Some days the spark seems to have gone…

fuse

A stormy day that never quite happened. The air seemed to get heavier and thicker and the clouds were brewing up for a spectacular light show. A few distant grumblings from a sky with not enough space for the weather held beneath, some brief flashes across the hills and a spattering of oversized rain. Then nothing.

Some days the tranquility and beauty that surrounds this place just isn’t enough for me – it only seems to reflect the solitude and the holes in parts of my life. Spaces that used to be constantly filled with family and friends. Now some get replenished occassionally but there are holes that have such individual impressions they can never be filled. Maybe I don’t want them to be but it doesn’t stop them aching at times.
These last few years have been a staunch lesson in real life for me – the reshaping of a family and the home that held it – and the death a close and beautiful friend who – ironically I suppose – would be the one getting a call on day’s like today…
For a moment I thought I’d lost my mother and I even lost a grip on my own hand for a while…
I keep waiting for the storm to break – one way or the other. I want lightning and hail and thunder that makes dog’s howl. I want the sunshine breaking through the darkness and lighting up the mountains like a wall of gold.
But today the clouds just keep rolling past pushing the humid air down.

Maybe I should go for a surf… sounds like a bleedin’ good idea to me.

Turned on at last…

heatwave

It seems somebody has flicked the summer switch at last. It’s getting hot.
The bonuses are obvious – no more woodstove nonsense, longer days for work achievement and job satisfaction, pleasant evenings al fresco eating fresh, healthy salads and sipping exquisite vinhos. And other good stuff.

However there are some downs. The pheremonal output of the lads at the grindstone seems to be accelerating and although this might tickle Nurse Myra’s fancy (and the thought of her uniform slipping off is indeed very therapeutic) the funk of a sweaty labourer does not move me in mysterious ways.

I may have to reiterate the union rules once more with an amendment re: crack exposure.
As an exposed pair of sweaty red cheeks is now strictly forbidden and a sackable offence.

AD brought chocolate donuts for a mid-morning comestible today – I’m sure you don’t need to know in which direction the banter delved…

I didn’t surf today.

A bit creaky…

rusty camper

Well another splendid day at grindstone central has been and gone with nothing involving CPR or insurance claims – Dylan is currently welded to the Nintendo and I’m sitting at the computer feeling a tad creaky. I spent the day nailgunning floorboards to joists and I’m fairly sure that the last time I did this I didn’t feel quite so stiff at the end of the day. It won’t be long before I’m borrowing one of Daddy P’s zimmer frames.

Most of today’s amusement was supplied trying to remember various 80’s artists and their relevant hits. For example – which all girl UK combo sang ‘Iko Iko’ and ‘Sign of the times’ and which brother from Bros went on to play an evil vampire in Blade III? These are very important and probing questions into areas of vital historical fact.
Obviously these sorts of questions would normally be categorised as ‘trivia’ but I like to think of them as essential knowledge and when armed with such any days activity – no matter how mundane can be enhanced immensely.

Of course these highbrow discussions normally dissolve into talk of norks and arses – not far to fall really I suppose…

I didn’t surf today. Fancy a surf trip? Look here

Just when you thought it was safe…

You think they’re gone. Then the phone rings or the inbox is winking.

Today’s requests are in – ‘Please could you just ‘do me a link for this’ or ‘site counter’ that?’

Next thing you know he’ll be round minutes before teatime with a bag full of rancid washing wondering if he can borrow the car for the night…

teddy

‘Could you just….?’ is of course the single most expensive way a client can start a sentence along with ‘hmmm – I think you were right – that might look better over there!’ and of course ‘…it probably wouldn’t take you long to…’
I think that Papa shmurfer should bear that in mind during his quest for independence in the blogosphere. Consultancy is a very lucrative business.

Of course I am more than happy to assist the old giffer in any way I can especially after all the years of emotional investment he’s ploughed into fostering me. Sometimes I even think of him as my real Dad…

You’ll all be pleased to know that I had a simply loverly day back at grindstone central. The dust in my nose, the sawdust in my eyes. The witty banter and sparkling humour that only builders can provide. Needless to say (my clients are readers) that all is going swimmingly and the house isn’t falling down or anything vaguely bad like that at all in any way whatsoever in the slightest. Honest.

I didn’t surf today.

Free at last…

kitten

Well the day has to come when your cute ickle baby bird becomes a big spotty manly bird and you have to boot his ugly arse out of the homestead. Years spent nurturing and loving seem to be thrown back with no gratitude or grace. I gave him everything I had – my love, my knowledge but there has to be a moment when you just let go…

Today is that day.

Daddy Papersurfer has come of age – his slot on the guest page wasn’t enough to satiate his thirst for blogging freedom. He is now a man possessed – not by greed or lust, he doesn’t want power, fame or fortune. He just wants to write a constant stream of drivel whenever the fancy takes him.

So now he has wings and his own URL – fly away little bird – fly. But watch out for those kittens…

Daddy Papersurfer

I didn’t surf today. (Did I mention the surf convoy?)

Flat as a witches tit…

A well known Devonian phrase for describing a completely waveless oceanic state.

tits

However – I know a couple of witches and to be fair they are quite bountiful in the nork department and (as was pointed out to me just the other day) if one was a witch (a hypothetical situation as I am obviously male and would therefore be a ‘warlock’ if I were a practitioner of the dark arts) one would have the use of magic and all that entails and one would knock up a batch of ‘nork enhancing potion’ in ones bubbling great big cauldron. Wouldn’t one?
Kazaam – perfect, humungous but perky breasty dumplings!
So pick on somebody elses tits!

I rest my tit case.

I have an idea that involves me (and some of you) surfing a lot so have a look at the surf convoy and let me know if that appeals to anyone…

I didn’t surf today – but plans are afoot.