papersurfer

Einstein (obviously a genius in and out of the surf) was allegedly heard muttering a somewhat sweeping statement about the state of the universe during an all night drinking binge in a Yates wine lodge in Preston high street. His mouth was slightly tainted with extra hot chillies from a rather tired looking doner kebab that was dribbling down his chin onto his previously starchy white lab coat – so take this with a pinch of salt…

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”

It has recently been said that – on the subject of mobile phones killing entire colonies of bees (probably by a descendant of Einstein caught in a toilet cubicle in a westend night spot with a suspiciously thin model – both seemingly suffering from hayfever…)

“Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious ‘colony collapse’ of bees”

– meaning that any moment now we shall all die.

Don’t Panic!

We have taken this on board and conducted our own experiment to disprove this theory. At work we came across a large rather busy nest of the afore mentioned pollen gathering buzzy beasts. The nest needed to be moved but rather than destroy it and kill hundreds of otherwise harmless pollinating friends my chief biologist (AD) installed a mobile phone next to the colony for a scientifically designated perod of time (until the battery ran out).

The next day the bees were nowhere to be seen. Upon closer inspection of their tiny empire they were found to be still at home but in a state of catatonia – now, this may have been a complete coincidence and been due to the weather or a stage in their activity cycle. I personally feel that the microwaves sent their tiny heads into a state of euphoric torpor resulting in a certain amount of lethargy and a tendency towards social paranoia –

Bee one – are you gonna go outside today man?

Bee two – are you kidding dude, have you seen how big it is out there? And how high up we are? Nah…

Bee one – go on man I need some fresh pollen…

Bee two – yeah but I heard…

Bee one – wassup man? What did you hear…?

Bee two – I heard that it’s been scientifically proven that we can’t even fly!

Bee one – shit man, you’re freakin’ kidding! Well there’s no way I’m going out then…

I didn’t surf today. Look at the surf convoy…

It seems somebody has flicked the summer switch at last. It’s getting hot.
The bonuses are obvious – no more woodstove nonsense, longer days for work achievement and job satisfaction, pleasant evenings al fresco eating fresh, healthy salads and sipping exquisite vinhos. And other good stuff.

However there are some downs. The pheremonal output of the lads at the grindstone seems to be accelerating and although this might tickle Nurse Myra’s fancy (and the thought of her uniform slipping off is indeed very therapeutic) the funk of a sweaty labourer does not move me in mysterious ways.

I may have to reiterate the union rules once more with an amendment re: crack exposure.
As an exposed pair of sweaty red cheeks is now strictly forbidden and a sackable offence.

AD brought chocolate donuts for a mid-morning comestible today – I’m sure you don’t need to know in which direction the banter delved…

I didn’t surf today.

Well another splendid day at grindstone central has been and gone with nothing involving CPR or insurance claims – Dylan is currently welded to the Nintendo and I’m sitting at the computer feeling a tad creaky. I spent the day nailgunning floorboards to joists and I’m fairly sure that the last time I did this I didn’t feel quite so stiff at the end of the day. It won’t be long before I’m borrowing one of Daddy P’s zimmer frames.

Most of today’s amusement was supplied trying to remember various 80’s artists and their relevant hits. For example – which all girl UK combo sang ‘Iko Iko’ and ‘Sign of the times’ and which brother from Bros went on to play an evil vampire in Blade III? These are very important and probing questions into areas of vital historical fact.
Obviously these sorts of questions would normally be categorised as ‘trivia’ but I like to think of them as essential knowledge and when armed with such any days activity – no matter how mundane can be enhanced immensely.

Of course these highbrow discussions normally dissolve into talk of norks and arses – not far to fall really I suppose…

I didn’t surf today. Fancy a surf trip? Look here