Penfold’s building tip’s – lesson 1

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Lesson 1 – getting a job.

First things first – you need to go shopping. Your first stop is of course the local garage to stock up on Ginstsers pasties, some Tetley tea bags, milk, sugar and a copy of the Sun to tuck under your arm. You will also need to stop into your local Asda to purchase a stained white t-shirt with an offensive sexist slogan on the back and a pair of jeans that are 2 inches too big at the waist (any larger and they will fall to the floor – any smaller and they won’t expose your arse crack to the proper degree).

The second thing you need to do is learn how to lie efficiently and effectively without giggling or smirking.

This should generally follow the pattern below –

Q – have you ever done so and so before?

A – uh huh.

Do not hesitate for a second – don’t even really wait to hear for the end of the question before starting to nod in a knowing and mature fashion.

The following questions may also be used-

Q have you ever used a….?

Q do you have a certificate/qualification in ….?

Again use the same nod and uh huh technique. Be prepared to improvise – an indecipherable grunt is always a winner if anything complicated arises – such as previous employment or (God forbid) tax history.

You are now ready for your interview.

If you have used the walking straight onto a building site and are attempting the ‘chance your arm’ technique try pretending that ‘Andy’ sent you over from ‘the yard’ saying that you were supposed to start this morning. At this point it may be worth adopting an Eastern European accent as most indigenous residents are unlikely to get employment these days.

If you are answering a legitimate advert enter the site cabin on the correct day sporting a hard hat and a clipboard (both available from Woolworths at a very reasonable rate) announcing very confidently that the position has been filled and sorry but you can all go home. Then quietly take a seat and wait for your solitary bid for employment.

Next week-

Lesson 2 – not getting sacked on day one.

I didn’t surf today. Big Blogger residents get announced tomorrow evening.

16 Replies to “Penfold’s building tip’s – lesson 1”

  1. sophie’s grammar tips – lesson 1:
    the apostrophe has three uses:
    1) to form possessives of nouns
    2) to show the omission of letters
    3) to indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters.
    apostrophes are NOT used for possessive pronouns or for noun plurals, including acronyms.
    🙂

  2. Ta Sophie – my apostrophe abuse is ‘world famous’…
    BB – it is a great hat. As long as we don’t wear them to the same dinner party everything will be fine…

  3. Oh Penfold! I think I’m in love with you. OK. Don’t take that literally. Some goofy guy 40 plus and single did. What a goofball. I’m in love with the way you think. Have you seen my posts on Career Strategist or Resource Economics. Let me point out a few I think you’ll particularly enjoy. These posts really speak to your point.

    At Resource Economics: The posts are
    1.Humor and the point
    2.The ten rules for corporate clone drones
    3.What do you mean I didn’t get the job? Age matters
    4.CSS and the Crazy Single Stud, aren’t they the same thing?
    5.Great executives think like a prosecutor, psychologist and coach.
    6.What is every investor looking for in a business plan?
    7. Have you ever considered another possibility for capital?

    At Career Strategist which is http://careerstrategist.blogspot.com
    1. Intelligent research..do your due diligence.
    2. Are you unconscious and small or conscious and big?
    3. Compensation is perceived value
    4. Has Peter Pan visited your CEO lately?
    5. A great interview lasts an hour but feels like ten minutes.

    Anyway, I love how you think and linked into you on three of my four blogs. I link in because I’m too old to remember much, I like to keep my life simple and if I’m going to visit I need to click and not think.

    By the way, thank you for comments on My Life Is Murphy’s Law. I doubt you had to swoon doggle anybody!

  4. Nursie – you know that my staff is always at your bidding. I usually insist that protective gear be worn until a full risk assessment is made but exceptions can be made in exceptional circumstances…
    Ev – welcome to Papersurfer – your love is welcome too… (you get the prize for the longest comment ever btw) and if I knew what swoon doogling was I’m sure that I would love it…

  5. PQ – it takes a lot of skill and dedication to develop good arse-crack exposure skills. Specialist diet and the appropriate amount of exercise. Thats before you get into the lack of belt and always getting the right amount of sag in your jeans – very demanding…

  6. Not sure if its the narcotic drip Im sucking on….or the language barrier….or a sweet marriage of the two…..

    And I do try so hard….

    But I never know what the fuck you are talking about here!

    😉

  7. Hey there,

    First visit on your blog and I’m already learning something. Wow.

    Except here in Canada, we don’t “uh huh”. We say “eh”.

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