Lesson 1 – getting a job.
First things first – you need to go shopping. Your first stop is of course the local garage to stock up on Ginstsers pasties, some Tetley tea bags, milk, sugar and a copy of the Sun to tuck under your arm. You will also need to stop into your local Asda to purchase a stained white t-shirt with an offensive sexist slogan on the back and a pair of jeans that are 2 inches too big at the waist (any larger and they will fall to the floor – any smaller and they won’t expose your arse crack to the proper degree).
The second thing you need to do is learn how to lie efficiently and effectively without giggling or smirking.
This should generally follow the pattern below –
Q – have you ever done so and so before?
A – uh huh.
Do not hesitate for a second – don’t even really wait to hear for the end of the question before starting to nod in a knowing and mature fashion.
The following questions may also be used-
Q have you ever used a….?
Q do you have a certificate/qualification in ….?
Again use the same nod and uh huh technique. Be prepared to improvise – an indecipherable grunt is always a winner if anything complicated arises – such as previous employment or (God forbid) tax history.
You are now ready for your interview.
If you have used the walking straight onto a building site and are attempting the ‘chance your arm’ technique try pretending that ‘Andy’ sent you over from ‘the yard’ saying that you were supposed to start this morning. At this point it may be worth adopting an Eastern European accent as most indigenous residents are unlikely to get employment these days.
If you are answering a legitimate advert enter the site cabin on the correct day sporting a hard hat and a clipboard (both available from Woolworths at a very reasonable rate) announcing very confidently that the position has been filled and sorry but you can all go home. Then quietly take a seat and wait for your solitary bid for employment.
Lesson 2 – not getting sacked on day one.
I didn’t surf today. Big Blogger residents get announced tomorrow evening.