Reasons to be sacked – part 1


The Isle of Man – once described to me (by a Kipper) as 50,000 alcoholics clinging to a rock in the Irish sea.

10 years ago I took a team of builders, carpenters and sculptors to Douglas (the capital) to refurbish their council run nightclub ‘Captain Nemo’s Cave’. We were to cover the walls in fake rock and make the bars and booths look like a Jules Verne submarine. Strange but true.

A week before leaving I was approached by an Australian freelance model maker called Matt for some work who promised that he could do any old crap for as long as I wanted him to and he would work hard and fast. He looked big and strong and seemed like a nice guy so I described his possible duties to which he enthusiastically agreed. He was to be ‘pug monkey’. This meant mixing cement and plaster day in day out for 4 weeks on the trot. Not mentally challenging but work’s work….

Day one – the usual confusion – unpacking of plant and tools getting materials sourced and arriving and getting people moving. Matt had a slow start but expected on a first day…

Day two – everyone was getting stuck right in. I am blessed to have worked with some great people who work hard and very efficiently. Matt was starting to concern me. Mixes were slow and inconsistent and he was looking strangly dischuffed…

Day three – morning. I go to visit Matt to see if I can motivate him in any way…

Me – ‘So Matt – how are you getting on?

Matt – ‘I was wondering if er….’

Me – ‘Uh huh…?’

Matt – ‘Well – is there anything else I can do..?’

Me – ‘well… not really I did say this was all that was available…’

Matt – ‘ It’s just that – well I’m a bit tired and a bit bored….and….’

Me – ‘and…?’ (raises quizzical eyebrow….)

Matt – ‘well….’ – he thrust his hands out at me like a 3 year old showing his mum how well he’s washed his hands

‘ ….I do a lot of hand-modelling in London and this is ruining my cuticles!!!’

By the time we’d all stopped laughing he was halfway back to Liverpool on the ferry. There’s a moral to this story. If you don’t know what it is then don’t ask me for a job…

I didn’t surf today.


  1. Hi TJ – I really thought he was taking the piss at first. But nope – true story…
    DP – I even paid him for his ‘time’ and his travel… poor lamb.

  2. KPX went to market and bought Lo-sugar Frosties, Roald Dahl, plastic skittles and fish fingers. Note to self: next time get fish with the whole……. yeah yeah.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *