Wanted – top quality girlfriend.

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Qualifications must include –

A love of building sites – this is a prerequisite for all Papersurfer ‘family’ members.

Some level of aptitude in one or more building trades (for example – a central heating engineer would score very highly).

Artistic and musical inclination beneficial but not completely necessary.

A total lack of ‘hormonal clock’ issues. Both single mum’s and child haters welcome to apply (you have to like Papersurfer Junior though – because he’s loverly).

A love of the sea and/or a love of my love for the sea. You either have to surf, like loitering around on the beach alot or like doing something else somewhere else whilst I’m away for weeks on end surfing. This is non-negotiable.

Body shape and size is not an issue neither is hair/skin/eye or toenail colour – although being utterly gorgeous is absolutely necessary.

You must like having lots of nooky at random times during the day. I normally go to bed at the end of the day because I’m tired out from building or surfing or a bit drunky or all of the above. Of course you’re welcome to give it a go…

Ooh and snogging’s good too.

Ladies called Mr Woppit need not apply.

I didn’t surf today.

69 comments

  1. Er – you can tell your friend that she can probably skip the initial application and move right on to the face to face interview section of the process… x

  2. Now you’ve done it Penfold. misterwoppit has left me a message with the latest fuel vote (shh though, the daddypapersurfer is not to know about that) on how your requirements have caused serious trauma and upset.

    What shall we do about that? I’m quite helpless to assist from over here in Canada, partcularly because travel here is limited to horse and buggy (and me with my horse phobia and all…) so would like some advice from others.

    Thanks.

    But all in all, it’s a good list. I’m especially fond of the Papersurfer Junior requirement.

  3. Can you two sort this out in your own comments boxes?
    If you’re not careful I’ll come down there and smack your bums (and I’ll delete you) if you carry on like this…

  4. ooo can old dears apply ??
    CV
    Lived in a building site for years (in fact my stair case was supported with a brick for 12 months) it is all done now… but maybe not?

    I can decorate, do carpentry (skirting boards, architrave, dado rail da dee da),I am brill at DIY no ‘hormone issues’ love kids (couldn’t eat a whole one) kids love me (find that a bit odd.. but hey I am the fav Aunt!), can only surf on the net but can loiter with the best of them, financially independant, adore the sea hate living inland like I do … oooo snogging and nooky .. mai oui.. oh I can speak some French, German and Greek.

    utterly gorgeous???? bugger! oh well….. where is that delete button ????

  5. hmm… now searching for mummy papersurfer? 😉
    good one! i need not to apply though. i think i wouldnt suit the age requirement, even though none stated. hmm… let me think.

    i’ll find someone okay? 😉

    goodnite to all! *twirl*

  6. oh, by the way… if i passed the age requirement, i might be able to apply. i am a quantity surveyor indeed. 😉

    yup, yup!! size doesnt actually matters… hmm… 😉

  7. I was just wondering. Since I don’t qualify on multiple levels (not withstanding the fact that Mr. Fracas might be rather annoyed should i even entertain such a notion) I wonder if you’ve considered the idea of having another blogger (like the one second from the top on your “regular reads” list) perhaps assist in selecting the right applicant?

    I have much experience in the “hiring” role and well… though this doesn’t quite fit the bill as a blog “contest” it is rather typical for a blogger to ask another blogger to assist in judging these kinds of things offered at a blog.

    I have only your best interests at heart papersurfer…

    Oh yes. You were only referring to the daddy and the woppit now, weren’t you? I mean when you referred to smacking bums and deleting. I hate being deleted.

  8. Due to the overwhelming response of appropriately endowed applicants the management has decided to operate a first come first serve system on the next round of interviews. The nearest airport is Porto – full travel details available on request.
    I’ll put the kettle on…

  9. Fracas – I appreciate that you have the best intentions but the day that I let DP help me in any decision making process is the day I have my testicles peeled, dipped in salt and lemon and slammed on the bar in the Coach and Horses.
    Thanks anyway…

  10. Lizza – I’m not saying that bringing a friend to the interview will tip the balance but that’s the sort of initiative I’m looking for (that and good thumbs).

    Twinny – well, you automatically reached the interview stage because you’re a:hot b:smart and c:the only one here that can understand any of my surfing posts apart from Queeny (and she’s taken!)…

    Tweeny – an outstanding CV. Old dears are acceptable as long as your definition of old dear is different to mine. As Renee Zellweger once said ‘you had me at Dado…’

    Baby – age isn’t an issue in this application but too much twirling during the interview may hamper proceedings…

    Ms UDH – plenty to go round once I’ve finished with those naughty boys…

  11. This made me laugh thanks!
    I had a look at your flickr the other day…you seem to be doing ok! surrounded by gorgeous blond girls!
    Ok I will think of something!

  12. You checked the wrong list penfold. DP is on your list of “daily drop-ins”. It is I who is second from the top on your list of “regular reads”.

    I was asking to help choose from the applicants for you. Heaven forbid, I would never ask you to involve the DP in your decisions like that.

    {He’s old, you know… I am actually closer to your age.. Don’t worry, he can’t see this comment}

    Having read your testament to how little you’d like him to have a part in this though… might I ask if there are any “other” requirements that might fit into your plan for this gal? I do happen to know some sites where a person can order some rather “interesting” paraphernalia. Of course… it’s all information gained solely for the purpose of research for the fraccy blog….

    You see? I could be quite useful in choosing just the right kind of gal for you from the many applicants you have.

  13. I am a 70s teen so I am that old … you’ll have to have read sometime 🙂

    Just noticed I have got on top of you /above you probably tempirarily !!

  14. Well, I for one have a real thing for ageing pretend builders, and would happily take some time of the ASP tour to set you up in a large boat so you can travel round the world. Would it be a problem fot you being with someone who is a better surfer than you. I am guessing not as pretty much anyone, including my 93 year old granny (who is dead incidently) surfs better than you. Occupational hazard of having a poo stance I guess…. i woudlnt know. Anyway I’m off to cover myself in baby oil and long for the love of a good man

  15. the twirling? hmm… it was just a gesture of happiness… 🙂

    the Grammar Police? i think i havent got the chance to get caught, as yet… oh, and the Spelling Guard as well… maybe not yet. 😉

    oh, by the way…. dont get me wrong. i dont want to apply though. 🙂 i was just asking and thinking out loud… 🙂
    no worries. i’ll find someone else. *giggles*

  16. If everyone was honest about what they want and what they don’t want to negociate about, it would be easier to “match up” don’t you think?!

    Just so you know, I meet all the requirements, plus I have a pulse and REAL boobs, go figure! 😉 BTW, there’s nothing better than amid-afternoon nooky on a building site! The smell of wood does it for me, or is it woody?… 😉

  17. Mother – you’re absolutely right. I’d never use lemon it might mark the oak on the bar…

    Sylvie – for a few brief moments there was a gorgeous blonde in every direction then – like the autumn leaves – they were gone… *sniff*

    My apologies Ms Fracas – of course your opinion is the Yin to DP’s Yang. Any assistance in this matter would be gratefully accepted of course…

    Cripes Tweeny – nice of you to clamber on top. You can stay up there as long as it feels good…

    Dad – let’s face it – if you didn’t have Mum there editing your blog it would be virtually unreadable so just get off your great big grammar police horse!

    Max from Bristol(hot surf chick) – I have nothing to add to that apart from I miss you sweetcheeks. Mwah mwah.

    Baby – I love twirling – it just might make it hard filling in forms! Some of my best friends are twirlers…

    Ms Paw – I agree. There should be much more ‘up-frontedness’ at the beginning of a dalliance. As for the boobs obviously those will need close inspection to verify their validity which may take quite some time. I can be very thorough if necessary.

  18. interview…mmm..barn door, horse and bolted…? Unless of course the builder requirements were top of the list. I can level a spirit…any good? xx

  19. you lot seem to be getting your blog bodies very close – i’m getting quite jealous, sounds like fun. As for you Penfold – rack em up and move the chairs aside big boy – the table tournament has begun! I’ll see you a vodka and raise you an arm wrestle. xx

  20. The last person to beat me at an arm wrestle (apart from Tiggz) was a body builder called Brett in a bar in the French Quarter. To be fair he was the size of a large semi-detached house (with a garage on the side) so bring it on Insideouteybrain… x

  21. does that mean i could end up flat on my back…oh dear… bring it on indeed birocrease!! xx

    if you need to talk to someone about frequenting the ‘French quarter’ to pick up body builders i know some very good people…just between us of course sweetcheeks.

  22. hey there… 😉
    aah, no worries about not been able to fill in the forms. i am used to twirl when im happy, same as the happy feet fella, when he taps whenever he feels happy. as so you know.;)

    and now i am here again… *twirling in a small dots of circle* yayyyy!!!

  23. I have fueled the lovely 70steen so that she may maintain her rightful place atop the papersurfer originale.

    Not to fret penfold… I shall fuel you later but for now, we must allow 70steen to hold her rightful place. I’m *sure* you won’t mind, she is a gem of the most rare kind.

  24. My my dear friend, your zeal over the mounting pile of applications is causing you to miss some subtle inuendos here. As your assistant in the selection process, I’m thinking you might need a cold cloth for your forehead.

    I repeat…

    “I have fueled the lovely 70steen so that she may maintain her rightful place atop the papersurfer originale.”

    I voted. That placed her on top of you.

    You’re welcome.

    Cold cloth?

  25. I feel as though I’ve strayed into the pages of a FuelMyBlog bodice ripper…. going to have a nice cup of tea and a digestive now. (Gypsy creams are too inflammatory.)

  26. yada yada yada… *yawns*

    😉 just dropping in. no new post? *wondering*

    dont be mad, as i am just hopping from one to another…err, blog i mean.

    *take care to all*

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